Help! My husband & I disagree . . .
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The following is an encouraging and thought-provoking letter from one sister in the Lord to another on how to build a strong marriage, the role of a Proverbs 31 woman, and how to handle the longing for more children when your husband doesn’t share the same desire. What is written below pertains to a Spirit-filled couple, imperfect (only Jesus was perfect!) yet desiring to overcome “self” and grow in their relationships with God. It is, therefore, not meant to be taken as universal advice for all marriages ;)
Dear sister,
I can very much relate to your situation regarding wanting another child when your husband doesn’t. I will tell you how in a minute…
Firstly, I want to say that you are very wise to follow the scriptures and obey your husband’s decision regarding another child. Not to say that you can’t at times raise the subject gently and as a suggestion, but it must always be with a cheerfully submissive heart and mind, whatever your husband decides. This is the key to success in a marriage in the Lord. Often, wives can come up with great ideas and have much wisdom and discernment in certain situations, but it is our overall role to suggest and offer to our husbands without any nagging or undue pressure, to leave our thoughts with them for consideration, and then accept whichever way they decide to go once they have made a decision. This includes the big things and the little things, whatever our husbands strongly desire to maintain control over. It is to be the constant daily pattern for us.
The key is understanding what type of union you have in the Lord and seeking to operate harmoniously within that. Some husbands are happy to leave a lot, if not most, of the decision-making up to their wives. Some are quite the opposite, and then there are degrees in between. Establishing effective communication habits is the foundation of all successful relationships, and understanding one another starts with this principle.
If we wives try to dominate, push, or even override in areas where our husbands want to be respected as the decision makers (or at least respected as integral to the decision-making process), we will only bring grief upon our marriage and upon the whole family (as you – and I – have experienced). Also, we could be unwittingly forcing our husbands into doing something that will turn out differently (for the worse) than we expect (because, at times, they will give in – simply to please us since they love us so much, or because they simply want the pressure to stop). I have experienced this in the past.
Sometimes, we wives can be so convinced of something in our own minds and hearts, but it is through the God-fearing, Jesus-following husband that the Lord directs the family, and we have to trust in this. A Proverbs 31 wife prays for her husband, serves him, cheerfully makes suggestions, and shares her thoughts and ideas as they come – without any hidden, unwanted pressure. She then peacefully leaves things in her husband’s hands (believing and exercising faith that as she prays for her husband, God hears her prayers, and God will move upon her husband as He thinks best). This is the way it always works best because it is according to God’s perfect design. Learn about family and how it reflects the relationship between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It’s fascinating and comforting.
Even if our husbands make mistakes, and even if they don’t listen to God’s direction or wisdom, and something doesn’t turn out as well as it could have, we have to resist the temptation to extend ourselves beyond the boundary the Lord has set for us as wives. We must give our husbands space and opportunity to grow and learn in the Lord. We must never say, “I told you so,” or “You should have listened to me in the first place,” etc. We must support and encourage them however things turn out. This will speak major volumes to them so that next time, perhaps they will be more in tune with the Holy Spirit and consider things more thoroughly beforehand.
When our husbands know and can trust beyond doubt that we will truly honor them no matter what, they will be able to rest. They won’t fear losing our respect; they won’t feel threatened by us, so their minds and hearts can be better in tune with the will of God.
Proverbs 31:11-12, “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.”
When our husbands feel like this, they can grow to flourish in the Lord, and they can rise to be the husbands and fathers of our children – and prosperous spiritual leaders – we dream they will be. If we don’t make them feel like this (continually), their hearts and minds can be filled with fleshly thoughts and feelings against us that then block them from properly walking in the Spirit.
1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
We have to be patient and exercise faith in God’s hand upon our husbands because overcoming and growing to the point of bearing fruit takes time. This is true for us wives, and this is true for our husbands whom we are praying for. Plus, there can be peaks and valleys, but our goal should be for the overall trajectory to be vertical. Life in the Lord, individually and as a couple, should not be a constant roller coaster per se. God wants us to view temporary challenges as opportunities to strengthen our relationship with Him, including our fruitfulness in the Kingdom. Isn’t that the overreaching theme of our lives? If you agree, then you will see that your marriage is just one of the things God uses to grow His Kingdom on this Earth. After all, the purpose of the Kingdom is to overcome evil with good, so we have a wonderful opportunity to participate in that – in every area of our lives in the Lord!
I say absolutely all of the above from personal experience. It has been an amazing path for my husband and me in our marriage, a path that continues to this day. I praise God for the things I have learned so far so that I may confidently and joyfully pass them on to my sisters. This is one of the things we are here for as women in the Lord:
Titus 2:2, “The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
That last verse about the Word of God being blasphemed is a very sobering reality in our lives in that we can actually end up behaving in a way (either individually toward our husbands or toward our entire family) that causes other people to speak against God. If we’re not mindful of our entire testimony, other people can observe us, our marriage, and our family and then draw a negative conclusion about God and His Word. I read this early on in my marriage, and it was one of the things that scared me into changing. I had my most major struggles back then, but I praise God that He humbled me.
Please, not that I’m saying you need humbling. I’m just sharing myself with you in the hope that something will be of value to you. I think it’s wonderful that you have come to the realization that you need to rest in the Lord and leave things with your husband. Now to my story…
I, too, wanted to have another child after we had the boys. I so wanted to have a daughter, not really for the sake of having a girl as such, but because I wanted the opportunity to experience trying to raise a Proverbs 31 woman, to help me gain wisdom and experience to be able to share with others. I wanted an opportunity to apply God’s Word in my daughter’s life to be able to prove that raising a Proverbs 31 woman in this modern day and age can still be done. Of course, I love being able to relate to another female in the home now, but I always want my focus (in all areas of my life) to be according to what Jesus preached: “Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven,” (Matthew 6:10).
My husband saw the value in my vision, too, but for a very long time, he just didn’t want the responsibility of having a third child and going through the whole baby stage again. This was back before I started to learn how to be a better wife. So, I did put pressure on my husband to some degree, and it only caused difficulty between us.
But then I began to change and grow, and I learned to rest about it. I raised the subject again when we were living overseas, working on my husband’s project together, and by that stage, he was open to the idea. However, the timing just wasn’t practical, so I continued to rest. Then, when the project was complete, we moved again to settle down, and I raised the subject once more. This time, my husband was very keen – just as much as me! He really wanted to have a girl for the same reasons, too! But, for about twelve months I just couldn’t get pregnant. I was surprised and concerned. I didn’t understand why.
One day, in my grief, I took the Bible outside and had some very diligent prayer in the Holy Spirit. I was open to whatever the Lord wanted to reveal to me. I then set the Bible in my hands and let it open wherever it would. It opened to a certain page, I looked down, and there in front of my eyes was the scripture about God telling Sarah that she was going to have a child. I was thrilled and so relieved, and I excitedly shared what happened with my husband. This was when my husband and I were learning more and more to seek and experience God for our own selves versus relying mainly upon a religious institution. (Not that I’m saying that we don’t value fellowship and wise leadership and counsel; we have just come to understand the importance of “Jesus first!”) The point is that seeing that scripture put me at complete peace, direct from God – it was a miraculous answer to diligently seeking God’s direction where I was willing to accept whatever was to be His answer.
It was still a little while before I conceived our daughter, but some time later, I came to understand why: We ended up moving overseas again – this time to a third-world country – halfway through my pregnancy, and if I had conceived any sooner than that it would have made the entire move extremely difficult, if not impossible. Praise God! He knows what’s best for us! So, that’s my story, and it’s a testament to how perfectly things worked out for us in terms of having a third child, a lovely daughter that both my husband and I came to be united in desiring.
Overall, the best thing we can do for our husbands and the future of our families as women in the Lord is to build our personal relationship with God by doing the things I sent you not long ago. I’ll copy them again below for you if that helps. By doing this, you will create an even stronger magnet that will draw your husband’s heart and mind even more toward God’s Word:
1 Peter 3:1-2, “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”
We do this quietly between God and us, we rejoice in the fruits it yields in our own lives, we impart it to our children, and then we wait to see the positive influence it will have on our husbands. The light and spiritual atmosphere we create through our personal relationship with the Living God will surely penetrate our husbands’ hearts and minds – as long as we give them the space and opportunity to learn and grow without any condemnation, pressure, or palpable negativity on our part.
Certainly, I encourage you to share with your husband. For example, the list below would be valuable for your husband to read, but what he does with what you share should be up to him. Don’t let any inaction on your husband’s part hold you back from pursuing your relationship with God with all zeal and passion, but also don’t let your action or enthusiasm become a burr in his side, either. I hope that makes sense.
There’s so much more I’d love to share with you as inspiration and help, but I must go. I hope the above sits well with you.
God bless, my dear sister. This life is all about overcoming:
Revelation 12:11, “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.”
Copied again for you:
The key to success in the Lord is in building our own child/Father relationship through the following:
Praying in tongues privately to the Lord (or in the company of other Spirit-filled believers) as much as we can e.g. while doing housework, listening to music, driving, working (if we can), etc. It becomes like a little child running after his/her beloved mother all day, happy to yammer at Mommy as he/she bonds, learns, and joys in their mutual love. Note: However, according to 1 Corinthians 14:23, church members should not all speak in tongues at once during a public church service lest it be off-putting to any unbelievers that may be present.
Having regular worship times with God where we simply pour out our heart to Him, praise Him, thank Him, and draw nigh to Him. We can pray in English (i.e. our native language) and tongues, or just tongues – however we feel moved.
Reading and studying the Bible.
Meditating upon what we’ve read, helping it to sink into our hearts and minds.
Referring all things in our lives back to Scripture (versus making choices based on emotions, man’s wisdom, or following the status quo).
Fasting regularly. More regular, shorter fasts that are easier to handle (even if it’s from after breakfast until dinner, if that’s all the body can handle for the time being) can be more effective than trying to attempt longer fasts. Fasting subdues the flesh and brings us in better tune with the Holy Spirit. It helps build our relationship with God, and it is through that relationship that we see the manifestation of His Word in our lives.
Learning to love and follow after righteousness in every area of our lives simply because God is a God of righteousness, holiness, and purity, and we want our lives to emulate and glorify His character – also because we understand that God tells us to “…seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you,” (Matthew 6:33).
When we do the above, then comes Biblical wisdom, faith, and healing. The other gifts (supernatural abilities) of the Holy Spirit are made manifest, such as discernment and words of knowledge. The fruit of the Spirit flows more and more. We see the “added unto you” unfolding in our lives as per Matthew 6:33. Expounding God’s Word and praying for others with power, authority, and expectation becomes second nature to us. We begin to experience the exceeding abundance that the Lord talks about, and our works unto God become our default by pleasure (versus things we do out of obligation, or even fear). This is walking in the Spirit :)